Bagman is a game that was released in 1982 by Valadon Automation. It was received with lukewarm reviews…

Okay, cut the shit, Valadon. I see what’s going on here. I tried to be the bigger man and ignore the elephant in the room. I planned on remaining nonpartisan and giving you a straight-up review — history be damned. I promised myself I wouldn’t cry. But you’ve crossed the line.

What is this shit, huh? Some sort of a veiled threat? You think you know me? You think you got some dirt on me? Well, guess again, buddy boy. I’m wise to your B.S. I know what you’re trying to pull, and I’ll be damned if I’m just going to lie down and take it.

Did I used to be a male prostitute? Yeah, big whoop. I’ve already fully disclosed that sordid portion of my past. Am I proud of it? Yeah, kinda. Does that excuse my actions? Of course it does, but so what?

Look, if you want to sling your mud and try to bring me down a peg, it will take more than some lousy game that gingerly hints at the ghastly skeletons what lie in my closet. I may walk away with only my name, but it’s my name, goddamnit! And it will be a cold day in hell before this mediocre maze-platformer game comes between me and my dream of becoming the Mayor of this sleepy little hamlet.

Nice try, Valadon, but you’ll have to get up pretty early in the gosh-darn morning to pull the wool over these steely blue eyes.

Bagman gets a 3… out of 5.

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