Internet Arcade Review: Bio-Attack

Bio-Attack

Deep within the bowels of legendary Hollywood star Donovan J. Albernatty, Bio-Attack takes us on a journey to fight his inoperable colon cancer and rid him of this awful, deadly malady. In fact, rumor has it that Albernatty had cancer inserted into his body to get into character for this role. Though, there ended up being no actual mention of his involvement in this game upon release.

Mr. Albernatty filed a lawsuit against Taito, Bio-Attack’s developer, after the game became internationally successful. The company used his likeness but refused compensation. He was denied 13% of the game’s net profit, a deal he’d struck with Taito after he become convinced that this game would become a moneymaker, the likes of which the world had never seen. Taito only agreed to this deal because they were sure they had a real dud on their hands, and they just wanted to get the damn thing out so they could be done with it.

Little did they know that Albernatty, a then-unknown choreographer, would skyrocket to fame. His career would span 20-plus years, garnering him three Oscars and a cavalcade of accolades from the Hollywood elite, not to mention an honorable mention in Men Running At Full Speed Monthly for ten straight years.

In fact, rumor has it that Albernatty even tried to option off the rights to make a Bio-Attack movie, but these efforts would prove unsuccessful in light of the bad blood that would forever remain between Albernatty and Taito. When the dust had settled, Mapother was the victim of several costly lawsuits, and he was passed over for the role of John McClane in the original Die Hard movie. The role of Albernatty in Bio-Attack: The Movie would eventually go to Bruce Vilanch, and the movie would only receive direct-to-video release, dooming all hopes of kickstarting a lucrative film franchise.

Mr. Albernatty would later succumb to his battle with colon cancer. It was impossible to remove an inoperable cancer from his body, unlike in Bio-Attack, where you can simply blast the cancer cells with your tiny doctor ship.

He is survived by his two sons Armando and Riviera Albernatty.

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