Dear Sony,
I am a member of the video-game elite. As a company that manufactures video-game consoles, you should just give me a PS5. Can you not see that I am a tastemaker with a finger on the pulse of consumer trends? Do you not know that I can bring down even the biggest gaming giants with the click of the mouse and a few rata-tats on the keyboard?
You must not, otherwise you’d recognize the opportunity that giving me PS5 presents to not only your brand image, but also your bottom line. For this transgression, I forgive your ignorance and absolve you of all sleights manifested by your oversight. And let me assure you, bygones will indeed be bygones, once you give me a PS5 at your expense.
By giving me a PS5, you are ensuring the further prosperity of your company. I mean, my God man, this is in your best interest here. The time for being coy and cutesy is over. If you really want to make headway in an otherwise crowded gaming market, you must give me a PS5, if for no other reason than as a peace offering after all of the hoops I’ve had to jump through thus far.
I mean, can you even imagine the indignities that I have had to suffer, waiting in a queue with all of these rubes, rubbing elbows with the mouth-breathing masses that have been left to fend for themselves? Clearly you wanted to create chaos amongst your ardent customer base — why else would you allow the wolves and jackals to carouse with the sheep?
Why else would you not just sell your entire console stock through your own direct storefront, which you can more thoroughly control to make sure most of your units don’t end up in the hands of scalpers?
But I suppose that is neither here nor there in the grand scheme of things. Let those dirty rotten scalpers eat their cake and choke on the frosting. Serves them right for decorating it with those weird little balls that look metallic but are apparently also meant to be eaten. I mean, what’s up with that?
But I digress even further now. Perhaps my mind is addled from the dozens of hours I’ve been playing the hyper-addictive Game Updates Simulator 2020 on the creaky old dog that is my PS4.
I am a tastemaker.
