Assassin's Creed Valhalla

In Assassin’s Creed Valhalla, it’s easy to forget that there’s a modern-world subplot going on in the background. With the exception of a few short sequences (and, of course, the Animus anomalies), the game spends an overwhelming majority of its time following Eivor’s adventure’s in Ninth-Century Europe (where the bards aren’t great and the fish are gigantic).

But when Layla does take a step outside the Animus, we see that she’s chilling in a cabin in the middle of absolute nowhere. It seems so relaxing.

I spent most of 2020 in quarantine. I live in an apartment in a big-ish city, which means it’s difficult to get out of my home to do anything. I don’t have a lot of space, and I don’t have my own yard. Most of the places I would normally go are either closed or have limited indoor capacity. So I’ve basically been stuck in a small apartment for nine months. It’s been great for playing a ton of video games, but it’s been kind of crap for doing pretty much anything else.

So I fantasize about having a place to actually hang out and isolate where I can breathe the fresh air and maybe go on a hike. Perhaps catch a (regular-sized) fish and grill it up for dinner, or grow my own vegetables. I could read books out in the sunlight and maybe even go for a swim now and again.

The cabin in Assassin’s Creed Valhalla has everything I would need. It’s a safe place to isolate during COVID-19 (which is actually confirmed in the game).

Assassin's Creed Valhalla

Layla can check her email, which implies that they have Internet. The Animus works, so we’re not actually talking about primitive technology here — this is a pretty futuristic setup.

While the cabin only has one room, it does have a private bathroom.

Assassin's Creed Valhalla

Hold up. If this were the trailer for a 1990s comedy film, this is where you would hear a record scratch sound effect.

That’s the bathroom? If I were to have to go peepee or poopoo, I’d have to do it in this smelly, uncomfortable little outhouse? If I had to go in the middle of the night, I’d have to put on shoes and fend off bears and bugs to get to this pitch-dark stinkhouse?

Let’s call this whole thing off. I’m perfectly fine in my apartment, where I can order grocery delivery and play video games until my eyes bleed. And use an actual bathroom.

So I’m good, thanks.

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