Elden Ring - Ghost Graffiti

Going into Elden Ring, the first FromSoftware title that I’ve actually looked forward to playing (and am currently enjoying, even if at a glacial pace), I had a rough idea of what to expect. Look, I know these games have punishing boss fights — this is the one thing a non-fan already knows about the Soulslike genre, so you can stop harping on it already. I was also vaguely aware of the opaque, seemingly incongruous approach to defining which aspects of its systems actually do what.

But once I started playing Elden Ring, what really stood out to me was all of those stupid ghosts running around in congress with the ridiculous amount of ghost graffiti littering the landscape. This was far more egregious than I had anticipated, and it spoiled the mood for me almost immediately

Seriously, Elden Ring should feel like it’s just me against the world. Yet the second I emerge from the starting area, I’m immediately inundated by seemingly useless messages of warning or even encouragement. I thought I was about to play a game that could care less about my survival or ego, not some frickin’ support group simulator.

And it only got worse from there, with an endless minefield of blood splatters seemingly hovering over the ground everywhere I looked. I’m like, “Clean up on aisle the entire store over here.”

Elden Ring - Blood Stains

But these were only the tip of the pain-in-the-rear iceberg. The most obtrusive reminders that other people are also playing this game (something other games don’t need endlessly verify) are these ghostly apparitions of other players, who are usually just doing the exact same thing that I am doing. Every time I get to a Site of Grace, I am flooded by ghosts of other people who have also frequented the same Site of Grace. Like, hello. Who cares?

Now look, I don’t much care for co-op or online multiplayer games. I’ve played a few here and there, but for the most part, I’m a loner, Dottie, a rebel. Yet here comes Johnny Elden Ring with its group of ghostly friends trying to get me to kick it old school with them. I’m simply not having it. Oh, you don’t think I can hack it by myself? Is that it, Elden Ring? Oh, oh… What, you’re that hard? (I mean, yes, you are in fact that hard…) But not in my backyard, you hear me?

I thank my lucky stars that there is an option to turn this garbagio off so I can enjoy my endless barrage of foolish deaths in peace, like the good lord intended. It’s right there in the Network section of the Settings menu.

Elden Ring - Network Settings

If you need a little help playing Elden Ring, I get that. If I had friends, maybe I would even indulge from time to time. But that is neither here nor there when it comes to the annoyance of seeing these Casper-looking sum-busters dancing like they’re Deney Terrio at the Disco Crisco. Thanks but no thanks. Take that crap over to The Division and leave me the heck outta it.

I may not be the best Elden Ring player here. In fact, I may end up in the hospital from a stress-induced stroke or cardiac arrest. But there are just some things I will not abide. I will not entertain these bozos and their bloodstains and affirmation plaques like some newb who still hasn’t visited the Church of Elleh, thank you very much.

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10 months ago

I haven’t played the game yet; I already 100% agree with this assessment

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