I was working my way through Wasteland 3 when I got the popup for the Back in the Sack Achievement. In case you’re not familiar, this means I managed to catch every STD in the Wasteland. It caught me off guard, and I had to stop to consider just how I got to this point of shame and debauchery.
First off, I admit that my characters have had few scruples about partaking in the lewd desires of flesh and blood (and metal…), and so whenever I was offered the opportunity to bone someone (or something), I took it.
My in-game sexual encounters (and STD collection) began with the brothel in Brygo’s Little Vegas, in the northernmost area of Downtown Colorado Springs. Within the walls of this seedy dance club, we find our favorite eunuch, Ken Doll. If you speak with him, you’ll get a quick rundown of each partner you can get a session with (at $10 a pop — a real bargain).
In the cacophony of STDs you’ll catch from these characters is a slew of buffs, as well as a debuff. The buffs are temporary, but the debuff can only be removed with an Antidote or via an NPC doctor.
Ten of Hearts: The most popular member of the crew, she has a very clear crush on Marshal Kwon if you have him in your party. Sleeping with her gives you the Dealer’s Choice STD, which provides you with a +5% experience bonus. “You’ve been dealt perfection itself.”
Jack off Hearts: The handsomest and most narcissistic of the group, he uses you for his own pleasure, really. Sleeping with him provides you the Shuffled STD, a buff that gives you +1 action point during combat. “You got dealt a hand alright.”
Queen of Hearts: The dominatrix of the group, she will put you in your place: under her boots. Sleeping with her provides you with the Bad Beat STD, a buff that gives you +15% evasion. “You’ve been very naughty.”
King of Hearts: The manliest of men, lifting weights while lifting you from the insides. Sleeping with him provides the Royal Flush STD, a buff that gives you a +25% hit chance. “That was some coronation”
Ace of Hearts: The experienced one, taking you to places you wouldn’t have dreamed otherwise, teaching you every step of the way. Sleeping with her provides the Ace in the Hole STD, a buff that gives you +10% critical chance. “You sure went all-in with that one.”
Joker: Literally a goat with a bucket around its neck for the money. Upon payment, the goat swings its furry behind around, just for you. Sleeping with the Joker provides the Kicker STD, a buff that gives you additional +4 penetration (how fitting, really). “You’re top of the barnyard.”
The final STD that you need to get to finish the Back in the Sack Achievement is Denver Rot (“What happens in Denver apparently doesn’t stay in Denver.”) This is a debuff that gives your character -5 CON. Some sources claim you can get this through throwing urine covered snowballs at a character until they contract it.
However, if you have to desire to receive this STD through the act of coitus, head to the Machine Commune, far east of the Denver Ruins, and go left of the giant paintings inside the commune center. There you will run into a little robot named Little Sparrow. Little Sparrow immediately offers to sleep with you, claiming that it has decided to be free with itself, delving into writing smut and literotica, as well as manufacturing sex attachments for itself.
As a little bonus, if you listen to one of Little Sparrow’s erotic poems while having Lucia Wessen in your party, she will unwillingly confess her attraction to robots.
Obtaining all of the STDs (which generally do more positive things for you than not), will earn you that fantastic Back in the Sack achievement with its .20% unlock rate. You dirty dog.
So this is what I have become in my time with Wasteland 3: full of diseases, friends with an army of cyborg chickens (which are preparing to evolve into Poultron someday), and a master at repairing toasters.
